Release your inhibitions, feel the tears on your skin: Best Places to Cry On & Around Campus

Stevenson building pool steam room
The benches outside Peña on Eton Lane after they’re shut (great lighting from street lamps for crying selfies)
The south flagpole (for the melodramatic)
The flagpole at the top of the hill on Ruchill park (for the loud criers)

List of known microwaves on campus for student use

Physics common room
Maths common room
Every level of the library has a secret one apparently

The Ice Cream Van

Contrary to popular opinion, the ice-cream van that goes around Murano and the West End does NOT sell drugs. Anyone who tells you they bought an 1/8th of AAA grade hash last year from the old man that owns it is a dirty liar who is trying to impress you. The ice-cream van sells ice cream, basic essentials, and cigarettes under the counter. Sometimes they have a slushie-machine, but only the red flavour. Sorry.

Sexual Health: a test you’d rather not fail

As funny as we are, sexual health is not something Subcity laughs about (except when it is our own spectacular failures). When condoms are free everywhere the NHS has waved its magic wand, protection is something for everyone. However, if things go wrong, always make an appointment with your (or any) doctor. Testing is free in most cases, and always confidential. You can pop into the clinic at the university, or any of the other places dotted around Glasgow. Additionally, there is a specialised sexual health centre located on Sauchiehall Street named Sandyford, which offers everything to do with sexual health, short of the deed itself. Whether you’ve popped a blood vessel in your bits, or grimaced after catching a whiff, something something sexual rhythming.
Also remember pulling out doesn’t work and if the condom falls off during put another one on and always use water or silicone based lubricants with condoms and the pill does not protect against STIs and don’t be shy the author went to the doctor as a teenager because his dick smelled but the doctor just said to wash more so if that happened to *them* you can go in without fear and as a final thing seriously buy some lubricant it will make things infinitely more fun but just get KY because it’s the cheapest and the best.

Clothes with Glasgow on them

Often after arriving in Glasgow you will want to let people know that you live here. An easy way to do this is to buy a t-shirt that says ‘Glasgow’ on it from the University shop. But if you want to support the local economy, consider looking up SF Glasgow on Ask Jeeves or Bing. They’re a locally-run clothing label that is beloved by skaters and people that like soft drugs. Their sweaters and hats are doubly excellent, and will last you a lifetime. Also if you are a boy an SF Brand jumper will make you 100% more attractive to girls, as they are highly coveted by girls that steal their boyfriends clothes. Although, if your attractiveness is 0 a 100% increase will mean that you are still a 0.

Papers please

Green Rizla papers are the vanilla ice cream of rolling papers. They come in both regular and ‘party’ size. They are medium thickness and are easy to roll with. Blue ones are a little bit thinner, and are for rolling thin snouts when you run out of money. I have only seen them in normal size. Silver ones normally only come in big sizes, and they are the thinnest of them all. They are more difficult to roll with because they are less structurally sound. Also they are very easy to ruin by getting wet, so don’t have them out when it’s raining.

The best dog in all of Glasgow

Merlin is the best dog in Glasgow. You can find him at Inn Deep (just next to Kelvinbridge). He is very lazy, and looks like a Husky, but with glorious long hair. You can find dog biscuits to feed to Merlin at the bar. The dog biscuits are free, but a tip is recommended. His owner doesn’t mind. His owner is an active member of Dog’s Trust, and you can buy a calendar featuring other famous Glasgow dogs from him. He is best friends with another dog named Gwen. She does not like to be touched, unless you feed her.

You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a poster

Posters for upcoming events are everywhere. Sometimes you will be at the event itself, and want to take home a memento. Sometimes you will just want to take it. The unspoken rule for taking club posters home is simple: if the event has already happened, go for it. Taking a poster for an event that hasn’t happened yet means that the promoter has to put another one up, costing them money and meaning they might not get as many people in. It might not seem like much, but all the money Subcity makes goes back into finding the best new music in Glasgow and beyond, and extra expenses means that we can’t fix broken equipment or buy airtime.

Lost in translation

This was going to be a short piece about useful Glaswegian slang, but we realised that that is impossible. Don’t be afraid to ask what things mean, but remember that the explanation will be just as indecipherable. People will buy you a ‘Scots Dictionary’ as a joke, but eventually you will realise that the only true Glaswegian response would be to get it wet, mould it into the shape of a knife, freeze it for 8 hours, then get arrested for possessing a prohibited weapon on your way to merk the kyant. The resulting 6 months in Barlinnie prison will teach you all you need to know.